The 21st Century So Far.....





LAW AND HORS D’OEUVRES
Announcer:
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their dinners.
[The scene: a 24 hour diner]
Lennie:
Damn, this doughnut is like a rock.
Rey:
You’d think they’d at least sell fresh ones here. This coffee tastes like crap, too. We got a case?
Lennie:
Let’s call the station and find out.
[on cell phone]
Lieutenant, this is bad. You better get out here and bring Claire, too, while you’re at it. 1313 Mockingbird. Grandpa’s Diner.
[back to Rey]
They’re coming over.
Rey:
I guess we gotta have some more, huh?
Lennie:
Stack up the evidence. Got the tape?
Rey:
Yeah.
Lennie:
Here they come.
Rey:
That was quick.
Lt. Anita:
What do you have here, boys? We’ve gotta be quick. McCoy and Arthur just called. They’ve got a real bad one.
Lennie:
This one’s cut and dried. Bad coffee and doughnuts.
Claire:
You have the evidence?
Rey:
Yes, ma’am. It’s right here.
Lt. Anita (takes a sip of coffee):
Disgusting. Where’s the owner?
The late Al Lewis:
Here I am. Have you seen Herman?
Rey:
No, but you’re gonna have to come with us.
The late Al Lewis:
Good. Maybe I’ll find that nitwit Herman.
Announcer:
More of Law and hors d'oeuvres in just a moment.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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Kate Perky:
Tonight, on the Channel 299 News Early Edition at midnight, a new film causes protests all over the uncivilized world. Join us then for Channel 299 News, your last chance for news on your TV dial.
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Promotional announcer:
Coming this fall to Channel 299, it’s 21st Century Schizoid Man.
[theme music: the 1969 classic from King Crimson]
He says one thing, then says another, then says it’s all the same, even when it’s not.
Al Gore stars in 21st Century Schizoid Man, coming this fall to Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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Announcer:
Now, we return to Law and Hors d'oeuvres.
[the scene: a hoity-toity upscale restaurant]
Jack:
Arthur, this filet is horrible. It tastes like shoe leather.
Arthur:
Look, Jack. I see something that looks suspiciously like stitches.
Jack:
It is stitches, Arthur. No doubt about it, we’ve got a case we can win here.
Arthur:
Look for the wear patterns, too. You need all the evidence you can get.
Jack:
Claire’s coming over and she’s bringing Brisco and Rey, too.
Arthur:
Our best investigators. I like that. As we used to say in the Senate, make sure you’ve got dogs that can hunt before you go out into the woods.
Jack:
Do you have to remind me that you were a Republican in the Senate?
Lennie (entering room):
Hi, Jack. Arthur.
Arthur:
Lennie. Rey. Claire.
Lennie:
Man, I never thought I’d get to see the inside of a high-class joint like this one. We just came from a real dive of a place. Inedible doughnuts.
Claire:
And I thought you guys would eat anything.
Rey:
C’mon, Claire, we’ve got some taste. Anyway, Jack, whatcha got?
Jack:
Shoe leather steak. I mean, real shoe leather steak.
Lennie:
Sounds like another easy case, Rey. We’re hittin’ ‘em good tonight. What’s he looking at?
Arthur:
I think Jack can get 20 if we take them to trial. But I think 15 on a deal is worthwhile.
Jack:
That was my steak, Arthur. I’m going for the max. 35.
Arthur:
Make sure you’ve got all your ducks in a row. And whatever happened to that fake duck case, anyway?
Jack:
Judge is holding out on the deal. He thinks the guy needs to do at least 25. Seems he ate there, too.
Arthur:
Go back to ‘em and tell him that we can live with 20.
Announcer:
More of Law and hors d'oeuvres in just a moment.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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Matt Laidback:
I’m Matt Laidback. Tonight, the president speaks about our current fuel crisis. Join us for live coverage here on Channel 299.
And catch up on reactions on Channel 299 News, your last chance for news on your TV dial.
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Announcer:
Now, we return to Law and Hors d'oeuvres.
[the scene: a courtroom]
Court crier:
Now, the people vs. Grandpa Munster. Mr. Munster is charged with felonious service of substandard coffee and doughnuts.
Judge Judy:
Is the defendant present?
The late Al Lewis:
Yes, your honor. But where’s Herman?
Jack:
He’s in Car 54.
Judge Judy:
Mr. McCoy?
Jack:
He’s in Car 54, your honor. He’s a rookie in training.
Judge Judy:
Oh. Mr. Munster, how do you plead?
Robert Shapiro:
My client is willing to accept the people’s plea bargain, your honor.
Judge Judy:
Mr. McCoy?
Jack:
The people find that acceptable, your honor. Do you have the details?
Judge Judy:
Yes, Mr. McCoy. I agree. Mr. Munster, please stand.
[Grandpa stands]
As per the agreement reached, I sentence you to 10 years of house arrest. You will no longer be permitted to serve coffee and doughnuts without completing a successful culinary course. I understand you are now enrolled in a course.
The late Al Lewis:
Yes, your honor.
Judge Judy:
Very good. Next case.
Court crier:
The people vs. Emeril Lagasse. Mr. Lagasse is charged with two counts -- felony misrepresentation of a filet mignon and wanton disregard for good taste.
Judge Judy:
Are the people ready?
Claire:
Yes, your honor.
Judge Judy:
Where’s Mr. McCoy?
Claire:
He’s a witness, your honor.
Judge Judy:
Oh. Is the defense ready?
Hamilton Burger:
Hamilton Burger, your honor. We are ready.
Judge Judy:
Call your first witness.
Claire:
Detective Lennie Brisco.
Court crier:
Do you swear…
Lennie: (under his breath)
I gave it up for Lent.
Court crier:
…to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Lennie:
I do.
Claire:
State your name and occupation.
Lennie:
Detective Lennie Brisco, felony food squad.
Claire:
How long have you been with the department?
Lennie:
27 years.
Hamilton Burger:
The defense waives the statement of Detective Brisco’s record.
Claire:
Were you called to Mr. Lagasse’s restaurant on the night of October 13th?
Lennie:
Yes.
Claire:
What did you discover there?
Lennie:
A customer had on his plate what was represented to be a filet mignon. Upon closer examination, it appeared to be shoe leather. We immediately seized the item.
Claire:
Is that People’s Exhibit A?
Lennie:
Yes.
Claire:
What else did you discover in your investigation?
Lennie:
We found that the material in question was taken from a shoe belonging to an employee of Mr. Lagasse’s establishment.
Claire:
And who was that?
Lennie:
Mr. Jose Canusi.
Claire:
Your witness.
Hamilton Burger:
Did you determine that there could have been no other source for the material in People’s Exhibit A?
Lennie:
Our laboratory determined that there is a one in one billion chance that it was not Mr. Canusi’s shoe leather. The report, I believe, is People’s Exhibit B.
Hamilton Burger:
No further questions.
Judge Judy:
Redirect?
Claire:
Not at this time, your honor. The people reserve the right to recall Detective Brisco if needed.
Judge Judy:
Next witness.
Claire:
The people call Jose Canusi.
Court crier:
Do you swear…
Jose: (under his breath)
I gave it up for Lent.
Court crier:
…to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Jose:
I do.
Claire:
Mr. Canusi, what can you tell us about the night of October 13th?
Jose:
I was working for Mr. Lagasse in his restaurant. He has this special rule. The only shoes you can wear in the restaurant are the ones that he provides. So I took off my shoes and put them in my locker. When I got off work that night, I went back to my locker.
Claire:
What did you find?
Jose:
I found that the sole had been taken from my shoe.
Claire:
Is this the shoe, People’s Exhibit C?
Jose:
Yes, it is.
Claire:
Your witness.
Hamilton Burger:
Mr. Canusi, I notice you are wearing an orange jumpsuit. Why is that?
Jose (soft voice):
I am going to be deported.
Hamilton Burger:
Would you speak up?
Jose:
I am going to be deported.
Hamilton Burger:
And why is that, Mr. Canusi?
Jose:
I am in the United States illegally.
Hamilton Burger:
Has the prosecution ever offered you any enticements in exchange for your testimony?
Jose:
They gave me a water ice while they were questioning me.
Hamilton Burger:
They haven’t offered you any amnesty for your testimony?
Jose:
No.
Hamilton Burger:
Did you ask?
Jose:
No.
Hamilton Burger:
No further questions.
Claire:
No redirect, your honor.
Judge Judy:
We’ll take a break here. Court adjourned until 1 o’clock.
Announcer:
More of Law and hors d'oeuvres in just a moment.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
---------
Seriously smarmy announcer:
This week, on Desperate Housewives…
Edie:
Hello, T.O.
Terrell Owens:
Hello again, Edie.
Edie:
I understand you’re moving to Dallas.
Terrell Owens:
Yes, Edie.
Edie:
Well, I have a farewell present for you. (Drops her robe, revealing a totally naked body).
Terrell Owens:
Hel-lo.
Seriously smarmy announcer:
Will Edie get it on with T.O.? Will Gabrielle find happiness with a half-French, half-African-American point guard from San Antonio? Will the entire Wisteria Lane gang move to Texas? Find out next time on Desperate Housewives, where everyone has a little dirty laundry.
Sort of normal announcer:
Sunday night at 9 on Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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Announcer:
Now, we return to Law and Hors d'oeuvres.
[the scene: the same courtroom]
Claire:
The people call Mr. Jack McCoy.
Court crier:
Do you swear…
Jack: (under his breath)
I gave it up for Lent.
Court crier:
…to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Jack:
I do.
Claire:
Mr. McCoy, what can you tell us about the night of October 13th?
Jack:
I was at the defendant’s restaurant, dining with my boss.
Claire:
Were you served People’s Exhibit A?
Jack:
Yes.
Claire:
Did you immediately notice a problem?
Jack:
Yes.
Claire:
How so?
Jack:
A filet mignon is a rather thick cut of steak. This was unusually thin. Then, when I attempted to slice it, the steak knife broke. That’s when I called Detective Brisco.
Claire:
Your witness.
Hamilton Burger:
No questions, your honor.
Claire:
The people rest, your honor.
Judge Judy:
Is the defense ready to present its case?
Hamilton Burger:
Yes, your honor. The defense calls Emeril Lagasse to the stand.
Court crier:
Do you swear…
Emeril: (under his breath)
I gave it up for Lent.
Court crier:
…to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Emeril:
I do.
Hamilton Burger:
Mr. Lagasse, how long have you been in the restaurant business?
Emeril:
30 years.
Hamilton Burger:
And have you ever been accused of any crime?
Emeril:
Only excessive self-promotion.
Hamilton Burger:
And you were acquitted?
Emeril:
Yes.
Hamilton Burger:
Did you, on the night of October 13th, knowingly serve a piece of shoe leather as filet mignon?
Emeril:
I unequivocally deny it.
Hamilton Burger:
Your witness.
Claire:
Mr. Lagasse, when you were accused of self-promotion, in what jurisdiction were the charges filed?
Emeril:
Here in New York.
Claire:
And who was the prosecuting attorney in that case?
Emeril:
I believe it was Mr. McCoy.
Claire:
The same Mr. McCoy you served a piece of shoe leather to? The same Mr. McCoy who actually lost the case?
Emeril:
The same.
Claire:
So you admit you served Mr. McCoy a piece of shoe leather.
Emeril:
Yes. Yes. I confess. He nearly ruined my career. He deserved it.
Judge Judy:
Mr. Burger?
Hamilton Burger:
We will enter a plea, your honor.
Judge Judy:
Thank you for your service, jurors.
Hamilton Burger:
Damn! I still can’t win a case on TV!
[Emeril is led away]
Claire:
Mr. Burger, your client misled you.
Hamilton Burger:
You tried that case well, young lady. But don’t go getting too big a head about this. I tried many cases against Perry Mason, and believe me, you’re no Perry Mason.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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Salesman type:
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PRESIDENTIAL NEWS CONFERENCE
Distinguished sounding chap:
The President of the United States.
Pres:
Thank ya. I’m here tonight to announce a special new program. As you know, the price of gasoline has gone through the roof. I can’t hardly afford to fill up my SUV, and, as you know, as president, I make a lot of money. So I can only imagine what this is doing to you. We’ve gotta do something about this, to reduce our addiction to oil from that greasy Ahmahdenijihad fellow in Iran. So I’ve ordered the scientists in the Energy Department to immediately begin work on developing an alternative fuel made from sewage. We’ve got tons of it produced every single day across this great nation of ours. So it only makes sense that we try to use this natural resource. We’ll have experimental plants up and running in 90 days in New York, Washington, Boston and Hollywood and we hope we’ll be producing enough fuel to power fully one-half of our nation’s cars by 2008. Questions.
Reporter 1:
Gregory David, Channel 299 News. Why New York, Washington, Boston and Hollywood?
Pres:
Well, Gregory, there’s a saying we have down in Texas. Go where the action is. In this case, we have to go where the crap is. And our experts have informed me that those four places have the greatest concentration of pure, unadulterated crap in the country. That’ll reduce our transportation costs.
Reporter 1:
Following up, Mr. President. Will more plants be built in the so-called Red States?
Pres:
Well, Gregory, we’ve found that things are generally not as crappy there, so it’s not the most efficient thing we can do right now. Perhaps in the future, but we’ve gotta make sure this will work.
Reporter 2:
Jim Jones, Washington Post Toasties. What kind of Kool-Aid have you been drinking, Mr. President? What makes you think this will succeed?
Pres:
Jim, we’re not 99 and 44/100ths percent sure that it will work. But we’re darn close to that sure.
Reporter 2:
Following up, Mr. President. Why is Channel 299 News the only news we can watch here in the White House?
Pres:
It’s because you’re too darned lazy to get up and change the channel. Next question.
Reporter 3:
Helen Thomas, Dead Reporter Walking. Have you informed Mr. Ahmadenijad of your intentions? If not, why not?
Pres:
Helen, darlin’, he’s hearing about it as you’re hearing about it. But we do have some top-secret plans for some of the sewage we’ll be processing in our treatment plants.
Reporter 3:
Mr. President, are you saying that you are developing sewage bombs to drop on Iran?
Pres:
They don’t need any more sewage, they’re so full of it.
Distinguished sounding chap:
Thank you.
Announcer:
Channel 299 News now presents, as it does after every presidential news conference, Talking Heads with an analysis of the President’s address.
David Byrne:
Letting the days go by, let the sewage hold me down
Letting the days go by, sewage flowing underground
Into the blue again after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime, sewage flowing underground.
Tina Weymouth:
This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco, this ain’t no foolin’ around.
Chris Frantz:
I said it once. Why say it again?
Jerry Harrison:
Take me to the river, rock me on the water.
Announcer:
That’s our Talking Heads report on the president’s news conference. CSI: Tamaqua will return next week at its regularly scheduled time. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming on Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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THE BARITONES
Announcer:
While most of the major organized crime families in the United States have been decimated by prosecutions, one small family continues to elude the watchful eye of the feds. Welcome to The Baritones….
(theme music)
[Don Guiseppe, the boss of the Baritones, is sitting in his office with his trusted consigliore, Little Steven. Tony Bananas walks in.]
Tony:
Hey boss, you wanna see me?
Don G:
Yes, Tony, sit down. How are you?
Tony:
Doin’ fine, boss. Steven, how about you?
Steven:
I’m well, Tony, thanks for asking.
Tony:
You need something, boss?
Don G:
Yes, Tony. You know Johnny Capistrano, runs with the California crew? They call him Don Juan ‘cause he’s the ladies man.
Tony:
Yeah, I know him.
Don G:
Well, he’s got a problem. And he’s givin’ me a headache, you know what I’m sayin’?
Tony:
Yeah. Whatcha need?
Don G:
Why don’t you give this guy a one-way ticket to Lower Slobbovia?
Tony:
Sure, boss, I can do that. I’ll get on it right away.
[Tony leaves.]
Steven:
Are you sure we can trust this guy? He’s not exactly the brightest bulb in the lamp, you know.
Don G:
Yeah, I know. But who else we got? I don’t wanna use anybody with any real brains. We don’t have enough of them to keep our thing going, you know what I’m sayin’? If he screws up, hey, we got 20 more just like him.
(theme music)
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Announcer:
We’ll return to The Baritones in just a moment after this word from one of our sponsors.
Vito:
Hi, Baritones fans. This is Vito DeVito from Hitman Motors and we’re glad to be bringing you this show. We here at Hitman Motors have a long history of serving our families. We’ve been a family-owned business since 1929, specializing in taking care of the needs of the extermination corps of families since the days of Al Capone. In fact, Hitman Motors’ first big job was creating the car used for the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. So you know we’re reliable. We’ve got your work cars, complete with hiding places for all of your extermination needs. We’ve also got reliable, tested crash cars to use when you’re leaving a job. And so much more. So stop in and see us at Hitman Motors, at the corner of Maim and Disfigurement Streets in the Windy City. We’ve also got locations in New York, Boston and Philadelphia for those of you on the East Coast who need our services. That’s Hitman Motors. Call us at 1-800-KILLERS. That’s 1-800-KILLERS for Hitman Motors… serving families all over America since 1929.
(theme music)
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Announcer:
Now, back to The Baritones.
[The next day, Don G and Steven are back in the office, drinking espresso. A radio tuned to an all-news station plays in the background.]
Don G:
I hope it don’t take too long for Tony to take care of that crumb.
Steven:
Yeah, we’re getting a lot of heat from the Scandalos to get the job done.
[The radio plays the sound effects for a major bulletin.]
Radio announcer:
A reputed organized crime figure was killed….
Don G:
Turn that up.
[Steven turns up the radio.]
Radio announcer:
… at Newark International Airport today in what police believe was a foiled hijacking attempt. The dead man is identified as John Capistrano, reputedly a mid-level member of the Scandalo family. Sergeant Slaughterer of the Newark Airport Police has more…
Sgt. Slaughterer:
The deceased Mr. Capistrano was fighting with the pilot as he was about to board Flight 666 to Lower Slobbovia. Another passenger scheduled to take the flight jumped in to help the pilot…
Steven:
Holy shit!
Sgt. Slaughterer:
… and attacked Mr. Capistrano repeatedly with a pair of box cutters. Mr. Capistrano eventually collapsed and was pronounced dead at the scene.
Radio announcer:
The passenger who helped the pilot has been identified as Wahhabi Al-Jihad, an Iranian national. Police told 1990 News that Mr. Al-Jihad was being questioned, but that they expected to free him, as other witnesses to the incident have told police that Mr. Al-Jihad was only coming to the defense of the pilot. We’ll have more details later.
Don G:
Jeez, I gotta hand it to Tony. He got some Ay-rab to take the crumb out. None of our fingerprints anywhere near this one. Guess he’s got more brains than we thought.
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Announcer:
We’ll return to The Baritones in just a moment after this word from one of our sponsors.
Dom:
Hi, this is Dom from Dom’s Loan and Savings. Are you down on your luck, in need of a few bucks? See me, Dom, president and chief loan officer at Dom’s Loan and Savings, located at the back of Joe’s Billiards on Desolation Row, just one block from Hitman Motors. Need to pay your bookie? Behind on your alimony? Or you just need a few bucks for that hot blondie you’ve been dyin’ to hook up with? See me, Dom. Easy terms available, as always, but it’s always on my terms. That’s Dom’s Loan and Savings. You get the loan, I get your savings.
(theme music)
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Announcer:
Now, back to The Baritones.
[Don G is in his office, alone. Tony comes in, breathless.]
Don G:
Tony, my friend, come in. Sit down. How are you?
Tony:
Didja hear about Johnny?
Don G:
Yes, you did well.
Tony:
Whaddaya mean? All I did was get Johnny the ticket to Lower Slobbovia.
Don G:
You mean you didn’t get the Ay-rab?
Tony:
What Ay-rab?
[Don G sighs loudly.]
Announcer:
Tune in again next week for another edition of The Baritones, when you’ll hear Don Giovanni say to Tony…
Don G:
How are those shoes, Tony?
Tony:
They’re heavy, boss.
Don G:
Good. They’re supposed to be.
[Sound of gunshots. Tony screams, then hits the floor.]
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CHANNEL 299 NEWS UPDATE
Announcer:
This is a Channel 299 News Update. Channel 299, your last hope on the TV dial for news. Here’s Kate Perkey.
Kate:
This just in from Baghdad. Saddam Hussein was sentenced today to 6,485 billion, gazillion consecutive life sentences by an Iraqi court for the extermination of thousands of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s... and will serve his time in Canada. The Iraqi government declared that it had agreed to send Saddam to Hans Island, the small rock in the North Atlantic that has been the center of a disagreement between Denmark and Canada. Canada’s governor general hailed the decision, saying that Canada would offer the best health care it has to offer for Saddam. Danish officials would not comment on the record about Saddam's move to the Island, but several officials said the move was being taken as an affront to Copenhagen. Danish officials said that Hans Island would not have cell phone or Internet service, because its telecommunications agency has not allowed for it. Canada's technology, the Danes claimed, could not reach the island safely. According to officials in the Territory of Nunavut, Saddam will be given a TV set and a DVD player. “The only satellite signals available there are from Fox, so we won’t give him a dish,” one official said. “Instead, we’ll give him a full Michael Moore collection.” That announcement brought catcalls from the American Civil Liberties Union, which helped to broker the life sentence. Here‘s ACLU spokesman Lucifer Satanovich…
Lucifer:
Hans Island’s isolation is one thing. But all Michael Moore all the time qualifies as a blatant example of cruel and unusual punishment.
Kate:
I’m Kate Perky. That’s our Channel 299 News Update. Join me and Matt Laidback later on tonight for Channel 299 News Early Edition.
Announcer:
This has been a Channel 299 News Update. Channel 299, your last hope on the TV dial for news.
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Network announcer:
Tomorrow night on Surviving Apprentice, one of the three remaining contestants will be eliminated. Here’s Warren Buffett, the world’s richest man, to tell you more.
Warren “Jimmy” Buffett:
(singing) I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know where I’m a-gonna go when the volcano blow. (talking) Oh, hello, just warming up for a reunion concert this fall. Before that, though, we have to come up with the Surviving Apprentice. Will it be Bill Gates? Will Martha Stewart make the final cut? Or will I say, “Donald Trump, you’re fired”? Tune in to Surviving Apprentice and find out. (sings again) Cheeseburger in paradise, makin’ the best of every virtue and vice.
Network announcer:
Surviving Apprentice, tomorrow night at 9:30 on Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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WHOSE COUNTRY IS THIS ANYWAY?
Subtitled: Songs of the Undocumented Worker[Clive Anderson, the host of the Brit version, does a special guest turn in this piece as the host, with Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie and Wayne Brady taking on the challenge.]
Clive:
Now, the star challenge of the night is to come up an infomercial for songs of the undocumented worker. Ryan and Colin will be the announcers, Wayne and Drew will sing.
Ryan:
You know, Colin, illegal immigrants don’t have it so tough.
Colin:
Yes, I know, Ryan, and we’ve even found the songs they’re singing as the work their way through America. And we’ve got ‘em all in Songs of the Undocumented Worker, with the biggest stars in the music world contributing their talents to this masterpiece.
Ryan:
And we’ve got samples of these great tunes. Here’s Phil Collins…
Wayne:
It’s such fun being an illegal alien, I gotta tell you
It’s such fun being an illegal alien, there’s millions of us
It’s such fun being an illegal alien, we’re taking over
Colin:
Yes, and even the Boss himself has an offering…
Drew:
My son was born in the USA,
He was born in the USA,
Now they have to let me stay ’cause he was
Born in the USA.
Colin:
David Crosby and Graham Nash teamed up to present this little ditty for Songs of the Undocumented Worker…
Wayne and Drew (in some sort of harmony):
I’ve gotten in, immigration man
And I’ve got you by the balls
Watch me runnin’ down your halls
Ryan:
Even the dead are coming back to life for this special event.
Colin:
No.
Ryan:
Yes. Here’s the late country legend Marty Robbins…
Drew:
Down in the west Texas town of El Paso
I fell in love with a Mexican girl
Nobody told me that she was illegal
Now I must spend the next three years in jail
Colin:
Now where do the proceeds of this go, Ryan?
Ryan:
All proceeds from Songs of the Undocumented Worker go to the NACLU.
Colin:
The NACLU?
Ryan:
Yes, the Non-American Civil Liberties Union. It’s the adjunct of the ACLU for the undocumented worker.
Colin:
Are our documents in order? After all, we’re Canadians.
Ryan:
Yes, they are. Now, here’s another selection from a new band called Ozma…
Wayne:
I’m in the truck
There’s dozens of us stuffed in here
Can’t stand up, no room to sit down
no turning back to this country town
But I’m comin to you, my brown-eyed girl
Soon I'll be in your American world
Colin:
John Prine is one of the unknown legends of music. He’s joined the chorus for Songs of the Undocumented Worker…
Drew:
You may see me tonight with an illegal girl
She don’t cost very much, so I’ll give her a whirl
Won’t you please tell the man I didn’t kill anyone
I’m just tryin’ to have me some fun.
Ryan:
Colin, this is such an exciting record. Even Led Zeppelin has reunited for this event…
Wayne:
We come from the land free of Taco Bell,
Where there is no work and it’s hot as hell.
How soft your fields so green,
Can whisper tales of Al Gore,
Of how we turned the tides of war.
We are your overlords.
On we sweep, your border porous,
Our only goal will be the western shores.
Colin:
And how much more soulful can you get than James Brown?
Wayne:
Living in America - not Mexico, I’m in a real nation
Living in America - I won’t get caught, I’m filled with elation
Living in America - got to have a celebration
Ryan:
We’ve even gotten Freddy Fender from the country scene to add to the Songs of the Undocumented Worker…
Drew:
I know it’s tough in a strange land
I got my money to the man
And I’m headin’ north tonight
Everything will be all right
And I'll be there
Before the next teardrop falls
Colin:
You know, there’s another side to this. But the undocumented workers can laugh at the people such as the Minutemen. We’ve even brought the Eagles to sing the Minuteman’s Lament…
Drew:
Oh, ooh, I’m out on the border
I just got hit with a fine
Don’t you tell me ’bout your law and order
When there’s millions crossin’ the line
Ryan:
But, Colin, no collection of Songs of the Undocumented Worker is complete without Motown.
Colin:
You’re right, Ryan, so here’s Smokey Robinson and the Miracles…
Wayne on lead, Drew on background:
Goin’ to the U.S. (Yes, I am now)
Goin’ to the U.S. (baby, come on now)
It doesn’t matter if you go stag
It doesn’t matter if you go drag
It’s just the place to go, come on and join the show
Most every trucker that you flag is
Goin’ to the U.S. (ooh ooh ee ee)
Goin’ to the U.S. (Vicente says it’s cool)
Dontcha wanna go?
Ryan:
It’s so good, and it’s all yours -- for just $39.99.
Colin:
That’s all?
Ryan:
No, Colin. There’s more. If you call now 1-976-ILLEGAL, you’ll get a free bonus disc, Songs of the Democratic Presidential Candidates.
Colin:
With this classic from the Plastic Ono Band…
Drew:
One, two, three, four
Everybody's talking about
Silly Billy and his Hilly
Scary Kerry, Rheingold Feingold,
Time and Warner, gobble, gobble, gobble…
All we are saying is give Dean a chance,
All we are saying is give Dean a chance
Ryan:
There’s this New York classic…
Wayne:
My man is Feingold, the right man
Think of Feingold if you want to win, man
He’s refreshing, not sweet
He’s the Democrats’ treat
Won’t you try extra dry Feingold here?
Colin:
And Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart and the Monkees chime in…
Drew:
There’s a girl who wants the White House in 2008.
And I hope she gets it, cause I know that she‘ll be great.
They call her Hillary.
I love my Hillary.
Ryan:
Yes, these and more for no extra charge for just $39.99 when you order Songs of the Undocumented Worker. Here’s more from the bonus disc from Bobby Freeman and Bette Midler…
Wayne:
Do you Warner dance into the White House,
Throw the Bushies out into the night?
Oh Baby, do you Warner dance?
Colin:
And Neil Diamond is part of this fabulous bonus collection…
Drew:
He’s the right man, Yes, yes he is
Ah, the man’s outta sight, yeah
Says the right things, Yes, yes he does
And he’ll do them all right, yeah
He got the way to move me, Kerry
He got the way to groove me, Kerry baby
All right.
Ryan:
Just think. Songs of the Undocumented Worker and Songs of the Democratic Presidential Candidates, all yours for just $39.99.
Colin:
Call now, 1-976-ILLEGAL.
Ryan:
That’s 1-976-ILLEGAL.
Colin, Ryan, Drew and Wayne together:
Remember, 1-976-ILLEGAL. Call NOW!
Clive:
That was tremendous. No points.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHANNEL 299 NEWS UPDATE
Announcer:
This is a Channel 299 News Update. Channel 299, your last hope on the TV dial for news. Here’s Matt Laidback.
Matt:
Saddam Hussein said today he would rather spend the rest of his life at Club Gitmo, rather than on Hans Island. “Yeah, I saw that on Rush’s [Limbaugh] Web site and it looks pretty nice,” the former Iraqi dictator said of the U.S. prison camp. “It sure beats a damn island in the ice.” Saddam was sentenced to 6,485 billion, gazillion consecutive life terms this week for the slaughter of thousands of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s. At first, Canada offered to house Saddam on Hans Island, which is little more than a rock in the North Atlantic, but it is claimed by both Canada and Denmark. However, Canada withdrew the offer yesterday, only to see Denmark offer to use the island as his prison. Today, Saddam made it clear that he wanted no part of the island. “I grew up in very hot country,” he said from his holding cell in an undisclosed location. “I can’t take the cold.” U.S. President George W. Bush was non-committal.
GWB:
We’ll have to see.
Matt:
Anti-war mom Cindy Sheehan was livid when she heard Saddam’s declaration.
Cindy:
Why would he want to come here? Does he want me to kill him for killing my son? Oh, that was Bush. Never mind.
Matt:
ACLU spokesman Lucifer Satanovich promised to monitor Club Gitmo carefully, should the U.S. accept Saddam.
Lucifer:
We have to treat our prisoners better than we treat our hard-working U.S. citizens, that’s for sure.
Matt:
Several U.S. senators have signed up to serve as guards at Club Gitmo in the wake of Saddam’s announcement, including Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), Dick “Turban” Durbin (D-Ill.) and Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.).
Rush:
See, I told you Club Gitmo was a high-class place. Even Durbin and Hillary want to be there.
Matt:
I’m Matt Laidback. That’s our Channel 299 News Update. Join me and Kate Perky later on tonight for Channel 299 News Early Edition.
Announcer:
This has been a Channel 299 News Update. Channel 299, your last hope on the TV dial for news.
---------
New announcer:
One of the first things the Iraqi parliament will do once it is seated and functioning is to pass a law requiring all would-be suicide bombers to take a course on the subject. Standing by and ready to begin the instruction are Big Jim McBob and Billy Saul Hurok. We'll let them tell you about their school.Big Jim:
Yeah, we're rarin' to go. We've got the right stuff to teach these young punks how to blow theirselves up.
Billy Saul:
They'll blow theirselves up good.
Big Jim:
Real good.
Billy Saul:
We run a tight ship here at the school.
Big Jim:
Yeah, ain't nobody graduates unless they can demonstrate to our satisfaction that they can blow theirselves up good.
Billy Saul:
Real good.
Big Jim:
In fact, we have pictures of our first graduates of the school. We took 'em at graduation ceremonies. That there's Achmed. He was a brilliant student. Just brilliant. He blowed hisself up good.
Billy Saul:
Real good, Big Jim. He took to it like it was natural to blow hisself up.
Big Jim:
Now, this guy was a real tough nut to crack. Saddam didn't want to blow hisself up at first. He didn't know nuthin' about what he wanted to do.
Billy Saul:
But that Saddam learned, eventually, and he wound up blowin' hisself up good.
Big Jim:
Real good.
Billy Saul:
At the school, we're proud of our 100 percent success rate. Every one of our students blows hisself -- or herself -- up good.
Big Jim:
In fact, one of our best students was Sharia. She was a feisty little wisp of a thing.
Billy Saul:
She was so skinny that a little breeze would have blown her away.
Big Jim:
But we got her to blow herself up good.
Billy Saul:
She blowed up real good.
Big Jim:
Real good, indeed.
Billy Saul:
We got a special blow-up room where they can practice blowing theirselves up good.
Big Jim:
And ain't nobody graduates unless they've blowed themselves up right in that special blow-up room.
Billy Saul:
So, mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be suicide bombers without taking our course at the school.
Big Jim:
They'll blow up good.
Billy Saul:
Real good.
Smarmy announcer:
To reach the McBob-Hurok School for Self-Disintegration, call 1-666-BLOWEDUP. That's 1-666-BLOWEDUP.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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THE JOHN SANITY SHOW
[theme music]
Announcer:
Live from midtown Weehawken, where no man fears to tread, but most women do, it's three hours of truth, justice and the American Way... Standing up for what's right... it's the John Sanity Show!
John Sanity:
Thank you, Shot Cannon, and hello, friends. Three hours a day is all we need. Of course, it's the three hours that we're here, bringing you the best, the most complete, the most honest news and information of the day. Remember, this is the only voice of Sanity that you will ever hear on your radio dial, here on the John Sanity Show. Later on in the program, we'll talk with Ann Coatrack about her new book, "Dogless," and how the left plans to take all of our canines and turn them over to the Evil Puppy Blender. We'll review Teddy Kennedy's new book, "100 Proof -- Why I Never Left the Senate After 44 Years." We'll have an update with the mother of the Aruban girl who disappeared in southern Alabama two months ago in the case that has caused a national furor. And, on Sanity and None tonight, we'll have a shootout with the San Francisco supervisor who wants to ban straight marriages in his city. We've got a lot to get to today on the John Sanity Show. Remember, three hours a day is all we need. These three hours that I'm here with you, the only voice of Sanity you'll ever hear on your radio dial. First, though, I'm really steamed about the letter that the president of Iran, Ahmadenijihad, sent President Bush. Diplomacy? Well, maybe more than Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, the two most scary names in the U.S. today, except for Hillary Clinton. And yes, tomorrow, we talk with John Podhoretz, the author of a new book who argues that Hillary will be the next president... unless. We'll get him to tell us what the unless is right here on the only voice of Sanity you'll ever hear on your radio dial. And tomorrow night, on Sanity and None, we'll get into a real shootout with the demon of the left, Al Frankenstein. 9 Eastern. More John Sanity, straight ahead...
[bumper music]
---------
Joe:
Hi, I'm Joe Quaffer, Conservative daredevil. Today, I'm about to embark on a stunt that would daunt even the bravest of men. I'm going to sit down here at the computer and listen to a podcast from the most hideous, foul-mouthed leftist Web site on the planet.
(Joe sits down, in full stunt gear. Friends gather around. Joe clicks on the site.)
Sound from the computer:
George Bush [bleeping noise]. The pope [bleeping noise]. [Bleeping noise...]
(Joe collapses. Friends rush up to him and pull out a Conservative Beer. Joe revives.)
Joe:
Whew! That was close. Don't try this at home.
Announcer:
Joe Quaffer, Conservative daredevil, brought to you by Conservative Beer. Right. Always right. Always.
[commercial music in background]
---------
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
Dem O’Crat:
Hello, I'm Dem. Dem O'Crat. Owner and proprietor of Dem's Diner here at the corner of Idiot Walk and Loser Lane here in Nowheresville. We're proud of the fact that we are now open to serve you, the American sucker public, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Our breakfast special this week is the Hillary Waffle. No matter which way the wind is blowing, the Hillary Waffle will always be there. Check out our a la Kos menu. Our tables are arranged so that you are always served from the left. No right-wing diatribes here. For those who like an adult beverage with their meal, Dem's Diner offers the Kennedy Room, with more than 150 varieties of whine... er, wine... for your pleasure. Our most popular selection is the Bush Lied Concorde. It repeats and repeats without end. Then, there's the Grand Impeach, with a stubborn taste that just won't go away. And our Spanish-speaking customers love the Nocom Prendo, a wine that will leave you baffled by everyday English. Taxes are never included in the prices on our menu. We hit you with them on the way out, after it's too late. We don't take reservations here at Dem's Diner, but you can always call ahead to see how long you'll have to wait to feast on such delicacies as the Pelosiburger, made out of the finest tofu; Chicken Kerry, smothered in ketchup; Roast Byrd; and more. Just call us at Dem's Diner at 1-999-BUSHLIE. That's the truth. We now return you to your regularly scheduled ripoff.
[bumper music]
---------
Announcer:
Now here’s more of John Sanity.
John: [thinking he’s off-mike]
Who put that last commercial in there? Is somebody sick here or what? George, get me the name of the ad rep who sold that spot. I want his smarmy liberal butt out of here.
[back into radio show gear again]
Oh, hello again, friends. Three hours a day is all we need. Of course, it's the three hours that we're here, bringing you the best, the most complete, the most honest news and information of the day. Remember, this is the only voice of Sanity that you will ever hear on your radio dial, here on the John Sanity Show. And we couldn’t do it without you. We’ve got a special guest in the studio right now. She’s been here before and she’s always welcome. It’s Ann Coatrack. How are you, Ann?
Ann:
Great, John, how are you?
John:
As always, Ann, the voice of Sanity. Now you’ve got a new book coming out, but first, you will be on Sanity and None tonight with us.
Ann:
That’s right, John.
John:
Are you wearing that outfit on the TV show?
Ann:
Yes, John.
John:
Guys, I gotta tell you. You have to tune in to Sanity and None for the show. Ann looks positively, absolutely stunning.
Ann:
Why, thank you, John.
John:
But for now, it’s your mind we’re interested in. And your new book, “Dogless.” Tell us about it.
Ann:
It’s a sinister plot, the most sinister I’ve uncovered in my years of researching the madness of the American Left. This book will name names and leaves no stone unturned in the effort to get to the bottom of the plan to wipe out America’s dog population at the hands of the Evil Puppy Blender. The Evil Puppy Blender even pretends to be a conservative in some forums, but we have the truth and I’ll have more time tonight to tell you even more.
John:
Ann Coatrack, you’re a Sane American. We’ll see you tonight and we’ll have you back again here on the John Sanity Show, the only voice of Sanity you’ll hear on your radio dial. Your calls straight ahead…
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
---------
Announcer 46:
From BALCO Pictures, the studio that brought you Barry Bonds, Creaming His Way To The Top, comes another great new movie, Governor on Steroids.
Ahnold:
So, you von’t go along vit my plan to cut taxes, eh?
Lily Livered, Democratic leader:
No, governor.
Ahnold:
I’ve got one thing to say to you. [rises from chair angrily] Hasta la vista, baby.
Lily Livered:
Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Announcer 46:
Governor on Steroids. Starts Friday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR HIT PARADE
Host:
Welcome to another Channel 299 edition of your hit parade. Tonight’s No. 1 tune comes from the Warlords…
Band:
Ah, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
Oh bomb Iran, that’s the plan
bomb Iran
We got to get the ayatollahs
before they get us first now
bomb Iran
bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
Nukes at a glance; Europe’s in a trance
Iran‘s got the bomb, so we’ve gotta take a chance
and bomb Iran, bomb Iran
That’s the plan
Bomb Iran
We got to get the ayatollahs
before they get us first now
bomb Iran
bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
bomb Iran, that’s the plan
bomb Iran
We gotta get the ayatollahs
Before they get us first now
bomb Iran
bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
Tried the U.N.
They’re girlie-men
Tried Europe, too
But we knew they wouldn’t do it
bomb Iran, bomb Iran
That's the plan
Bomb Iran
That's the plan
We gotta get the ayatollahs
Before they get us first now
bomb Iran
Bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
bomb Iran
That's the plan
bomb Iran
We got to get the ayatollahs
Before they get us first now
bomb Iran
Bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
Announcer:
Join us again soon for another edition of Your Hit Parade on Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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HISTORY REVISITED
Announcer:
Welcome to another Channel 299 special, History Revisited, in which we look at events in the past from a contemporary perspective. Tonight on History Revisited -- Constitution Writing, 1787. Here’s Random Blather.
Random Blather:
Once again, delegates from 13 former British colonies failed to reach agreement on a constitution for the proposed new United States of America at their meetings in Philadelphia. And observers believe that it’s just not going to happen. Here’s former New York military official Benedict Arnold…
Benedict:
They'll never get it settled. They're trying to do something that hasn't been done anywhere in the civilised world since Athens.
Random:
There are a number of unsettled issues, according to sources close to the delegates. They have divided into two camps. One, which calls itself the Federalists, is led by Alexander Hamilton of New York. The other, known as the Democratic Republicans, is led by Virginian Thomas Jefferson, who is best known as the primary author of the colonies' declaration of independence in 1776. Lord Snooty of Evilhampton is a colonial historian at Oxford University…
Lord Snooty:
They've got to do a lot of deals to get every colony on board. Some of them have slavery, some don't; some have emerging industries, others don't; some have a wealth of resources, others not as much.
Random:
Other experts say the religious factor will prove to be too divisive to overcome, including Sir Wolfen von Blitzer at the University of Koln in Germany…
Wolfen:
Some colonies have limits on Catholics, for example. Some colonies require membership in a particular church for selection to local offices. And there are many faiths represented in the delegates. Every nation has a state church, yet it appears the Americans cannot do this without alienating large segments of the public.
Random:
Those inside the constitutional convention, however, say they're still optimistic despite all the dire predictions, including North Carolina observer Jedediah Clampett Helms…
Jed:
We're making progress every day. I don't think anyone expected us to get anywhere nearly as far as we have. We believe in what we're doing. We believe doing it right is worth taking the time.
Random:
Still, others expressed concerns about possible military invasion by rival powers, including Spain and France, both of which have territory adjacent to the colonies. This widely-expressed viewpoint is voiced by Juan Morfordarode, a military historian at the University of Barcelona in Spain…
Juan:
If they're not settled, it might be easy to invade and claim some of the prime territory. The longer matters remain unsettled, the more likely an invasion becomes.
Random:
The delegates will continue meeting, even though they have already missed five deadlines for having a draft ready for the 13 former colonies represented at the convention. I’m Random Blather, reporting for Constitution Writing 1787. Courage.
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CHANNEL 299 NEWS UPDATE
Announcer:
This is a Channel 299 News Update. Channel 299, your last hope on the TV dial for news. Here’s Kate Perkey.
Kate:
The leader of insurgent forces in Iraq has declared a fatwa on the head of former Iraq president Saddam Hussein. “He has defiled Islam by saying he preferred to be in a prison held by the devils of the United States,” said Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, in a statement presented on the al-Jazeera and Daily Kos Web sites. Saddam was sentenced to 6,485 billion, gazillion consecutive life terms this week for the slaughter of thousands of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s. He was originally set to be incarcerated on Hans Island in the custody of Canada, then Denmark, but indicated his preference for Club Gitmo, the U.S. facility. But President George W. Bush announced today that the U.S. would not accept Saddam Hussein at its Club Gitmo facility.
GWB: It’s too nice for the Butcher of Baghdad. We believe that the Hans Island site is the ideal place for a man with his background.
Kate:
First Canada, then Denmark offered Hans Island, a rock in the North Atlantic that is the centre of a dispute between the two Western nations, as a site for Saddam’s incarceration. However, citing information he received on radio commentator Rush Limbaugh’s Web site, Saddam expressed a preference for Club Gitmo. His lawyer, Ramsey Clark, expressed disappointment at Bush’s announcement.
Clark:
We would have rather had him in U.S. custody so we could drive Bush nuts with all kinds of frivolous lawsuits. We had the ACLU ready to go in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia. They would not have had a moment’s peace.
Kate:
Danish officials said they would have Saddam’s final living place prepared by the end of next week. The announcement also spelled trouble for the fatwa declared yesterday by insurgency leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. “We’ll never get anyone to go someplace that cold,” Al-Zarqawi said as he called off the fatwa, “even for 72 virgins.” ACLU spokesman Lucifer Satanovich declined comment. I’m Kate Perky. Join me and Matt Laidback later on tonight for the Channel 299 News Early Edition.
Announcer:
This has been a Channel 299 News Update. Channel 299, your last hope on the TV dial for news.
---------
Theme song:
They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The Khadr Family.
They worship old al-Qaeda
Believe in funeral pyres
For infidels and liars
The Khadr Family.
(Neat)
(Sweet)
(Petite)
So get your new burqa on
A scimitar to fall on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Khadr Family.
Announcer:
Starring Alec Baldwin as the family matriarch. Join us every Thursday night at 10, 9 Central and Pacific, for the Khadr Family, the story of Canada’s own al-Qaeda clan, only on CNN, the Crazies News Network.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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CELEBRITY JUSTICE
Announcer:
Tonight, Celebrity Justice takes a look at the Duke rape case. Here’s your host, O.J. Simpson.
O.J.:
Thank you, Fred Goldman, and welcome to another special Celebrity Justice. We’ll take a look at the case of the three Duke University lacrosse players charged with raping an exotic dancer after a wild party in Durham, North Carolina. Frankly, I don’t know how anyone can have a wild party in Durham, North Carolina, but that’s a story for another time. What are the chances of these three athletes beating the rap? We’ll ask a wide range of experts in just a moment.
---------
John Sanity:
Hi, I’m John Sanity, the only voice of Sanity you’ll ever hear on Channel 299. Tonight, that noted lefty, Ceil None, and I unveil the latest on the shakeup in Iraq among the al-Qaeda leadership. That’s Sanity and None, after Celebrity Justice, on Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
--------
O.J.:
This is Celebrity Justice. Can the Duke lacrosse players beat the rape charges against them? Let’s turn to our panel of experts.
Johnnie Cochran:
If the condom don’t fit, you must acquit.
Mark Fuhrman:
Are there any Kennedys in the case? If so, they probably did it. If not, it’s 50-50.
Alan Dershowitz:
The key question is, how credible is the stripper? How credible is any stripper? Very credible, in my opinion. I’ve believed in every stripper I’ve ever seen.
Marcia Clark:
You never met any of the silicone-grown ones I’ve prosecuted, Alan. I want to hear more of the evidence, but right now, those guys are looking pretty good.
Greta Van Susteren:
Any man would look good to you, Marcia. The Durham D.A. blew it when he shot off his mouth before the holes in his case became public. It looks more and more like this case is nothing more than politically motivated prosecution.
Dick DeGuerin:
These guys aren’t full-blown rich celebrities, though. And the case is in North Carolina, not in California, where celebrities live in a state of virtual immunity from conviction.
O.J.:
Don’t I know that!
Michael Jackson:
Yes, those prosecutors in California went after me just because of my race.
O.J.:
And what race is that, Michael?
Kobe Bryant:
I haven’t been following the case closely. I’m too bummed out after we lost in the playoffs. It’s starting to look more and more like I can’t win a championship without Shaq. You don’t know how painful that is.
Jack Nicholson:
No more painful than having to go to Phoenix and root for the Clippers.
Rodney King:
Are we all just getting along?
O.J.:
So, there you have it. Right now, we just don’t know if the Duke lacrosse players will be sent up the river for rape. But if that exotic dancer is watching, please call our studios after the program. I’d like to have a chat with you. Now, I understand there’s a new golf course opening up. I have to go look for Nicole’s killer. For Celebrity Justice, I’m O.J. Simpson. Good night.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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SANITY AND NONE
Announcer:
One’s from the left, one’s from the right. Together they are dynamite. It’s the Sanity and None show, with your hosts, John Sanity and Ceil None.
John:
Good evening. From the right, I’m John Sanity.
Ceil:
From the left, I’m Ceil None.
John:
Tonight, we’ve got Ann Coatrack to talk about her new book, a shootout with Al Frankenstein, and much more. But first, we’ve got some big news for you. Al-Qaeda's recent letter indicates that the heroes of Islamoterrorists everywhere are in some difficulty. Ayman al-Zawahiri and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi have committed some serious strategic blunders, especially in ticking off the Shiites of Iran, who have already indicated their willingness to nuke Al-Qaeda to the pre-Stone Age (since they are Stone Age types themselves). As a result, chief terror God and financier Osama Loonie Bin Laden has decided to award both of these fine terrorists their 72 virgins and place the operation in the hands of two new leaders. Not only have we at Sanity and None learned the identities of these men, but we have also intercepted their first communications, which took place in a chat room at the Turkish Baths in Damascus… The first voice is that of Muhammad Al-Qapon, the second that of Mustafa Al-Qatraz…
Muhammad Al-Qapon:
What we need, Allah be praised should he grant our wish, is a victory.
Mustafa Al-Qatraz:
Yes, damn the infidels, we have lost too many to the great hereafter, where they are enjoying their rewards, without the success Allah has promised his faithful believers.
Al-Qapon:
We must have a conquest, Allah be praised, where it is clear that we have the forces of all of Islam with us, yet not have to waste too many of our devoted soldiers so they can live to fight the infidels another day.
Al-Qatraz:
Is it time, o brother in the Quran, for us to adjust our sights and take our jihad to another territory?
Al-Qapon:
Allah be praised! I think you have spoken with the wisdom of the ages. We must find a territory where the infidels are weak and unlikely to offer significant resistance.
Al-Qatraz:
Allah indeed! All glory! But let us think of where we can conquer without great losses to our cause. We have had trouble with our recruiting, prayers to Allah that we can reverse that trend, and many great battles lie ahead.
Al-Qapon:
Through Allah, I believe I have two choices for us to consider.
Al-Qatraz:
Praise Allah in all his glory! Where, o brother of Islam, might these be?
Al-Qapon:
One, Allah guide us, would be more difficult. It would require great travel, but would strike very close to the infidels in the United States. One option would be Canada.
Al-Qatraz:
They are, glory to Allah in the highest, rather weak and quite prone to dhimmitude. But, brother, it may be too close to the Great Satan.Al-Qapon:
I have considered that, colleague in the Qu'ran, which is why I presented it to you first. I believe that it is our second option.
Al-Qatraz:
What, brother, is our first option?
Al-Qapon:
Allah be praised, our scourges must be delivered upon France.
Al-Qatraz:
France, devoted son of Muhammad?
Al-Qapon:
Yes, France. It is weak, caught up in its debauchery and its fondness for wine. It is filled with dhimmis who would gladly surrender before the swords of Allah carve them into pieces. It is also a land that few infidels would come to join in the battle on their behalf. They are weak, they are alone. What better combination for success, Allah bless our mission!
John:
What do you make of that, Ceil?
Ceil:
John, I’d say France is in some trouble.
John:
Ceil, for once we agree. We can’t have that. That’s our show for tonight.
[bumper music]
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CHANNEL 299 NEWS
Announcer:
It’s midnight and time for the Channel 299 News Early Edition. Channel 299, your last hope on the TV dial for news. Here are your anchors, Kate Perky and Matt Laidback.
Kate:
In the news tonight, Jessica Simpson dyes her hair black. Or was it Ashlee?
Matt:
An American Idol judge denies an affair with a contestant.
Kate:
But our big story tonight on Channel 299 news is Saddam Hussein is dead. The former president of Iraq was found dead this morning in his prison on Hans Island by a group of Canadian seals who had wandered onto Danish territory. He was serving 6,485 billion gazillion consecutive life terms for the massacre of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s. Saddam had received a drop of some whisky yesterday at his request, courtesy of the Canadian government. Reaction was swift at the White House. We have team coverage, starting with correspondent Gregory David…
Gregory:
The White House was in a celebratory mood today with the announcement of the death of Saddam Hussein. White House spokesman Tony Snowjob released the following statement on behalf of President Bush.
Tony:
The world is a safer place today with Saddam Hussein no longer in it.
Gregory:
On another front, though, there is also jubilation on all sides of the Iraqi conflict. We join correspondent Dana Millstone in Baghdad.
Dana:
Gregory, there is surprising news to report here. According to Al-Jazeera and the Daily Kos, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, the leader of the insurgency, has claimed credit for Saddam’s death. The report says Al-Zarqawi claims to have doctored the whiskey sent to Saddam recently by the Canadian government. Dana Millstone, Baghdad.
Kate:
Now, on to Ottawa, where the Canadian government is also investigating, and correspondents Bob and Doug MacKenzie.
Bob M:
Hey, what’s up, hosers? This is Bob McKenzie.
Doug M:
And I’m his brother Doug. What’s up, eh?
Bob M:
Yeah, Prime Minister Stephen Harper…
Doug M:
He’s a cool guy, eh?
Bob M:
Cool. But take off. I gotta tell this story, eh?
Doug M:
OK, hoser.
Bob M:
OK. Well, Harper says he’s already put the Mounties on it and they’ve got a lead.
Doug M:
The Mounties always get their man, eh?
Bob M:
Usually do, eh? But I’m hearin’ that they might have gotten away this time. Seems we got an Al-Qaeda family right here in Canada. And they took off from Montreal Airport earlier today. They had one-way tickets to Paradise, the clerk at the airport…
Doug M:
A real hottie, eh?
Bob M:
Indeed. Well, that’s what she told me, anyway. Hey, we gotta take off. This is Bob McKenzie… back to you hosers.
Kate:
Thanks for the report, gentlemen.
Matt:
The investigation into the Saddam case has also reached San Francisco. Gay Blade filed this report.
Gay:
Officials here in the City by the Bay are in a state of panic. Two hundred eighty-eight virgins disappeared from the city streets this afternoon. Mayor Gavin Newsom…
Mayor:
This is a startling development indeed. That’s almost our entire supply of legal-age virgins.
Gay:
It’s believed that the disappearance is tied to the reward given those who carry out Al-Qaeda assignments. Gay Blade, San Francisco.
Matt:
And, of course, the ACLU is demanding a full investigation, even though none of this happened on American soil. We’ll return with more on Channel 299 News Early Edition at Midnight in just a moment. Channel 299 News, your last hope for news on your TV dial.
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Commercial announcer:
Getting a contract to promote Canadian unity: $1.5 million.
Getting caught while diverting some of that money: 2 years of house arrest.
Staying out of jail for being corrupt: Priceless.
Paul Coffin:
I’m Paul Coffin for Liberalcard.
Liberalcard. It's everything you need it to be.
Commercial announcer:
Getting picked up after wrecking your car while drunk: $525.
Avoiding more serious criminal charges: Priceless.
Patrick Kennedy:
I’m Patrick Kennedy for Liberalcard.
Liberalcard. It’s everything you need it to be.
Available in the US through the Democratic National Committee.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
---------
Another announcer:
On the next Comontel, pimps.
Comontel:
That’s sexual procurement entrepreneurs, if you ask them. And we have two of them on our next show.
Pimp:
It’s a tough business. We face constant high turnover in the employee ranks and very large training and marketing expenses. Sometimes it’s tough to turn a profit.
Another announcer:
Comontel, tomorrow at 3 on Channel 299.
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Announcer:
Now, more Channel 299 News. Channel 299, your last hope on the TV dial for news. Here are Kate Perky and Matt Laidback.
Matt:
Global warming has been blamed for just about every “unusual” climatic event of the past decade or so. Now, there’s a scientist who claims global warming’s effects impact not only the weather, but elections as well.
Kate:
Dr. Noah Zark of the Hot Air Institute, a government-funded think tank in Upper Sasquatch, B.C., claims that the election results in the U.S. in 2004 and in Canada in 2006 are a direct result of global warming. I interviewed Dr. Zark this afternoon…
Dr. Zark:
When people are warmer, they are more active. As they become more active, their brains become more active as well. Our research has shown that the more active people’s brains are, the more likely they are to want to take control of their own destiny.
Kate:
Is this natural?
Dr. Zark:
This is a natural situation for small-c conservatives to profit. Whether it’s the Conservative Party in Canada or the Republican Party in the U.S.A., people’s instincts when they are warmer are to move away from the security blanket offered by the leftist organizations, such as the Liberal Party of Canada and the Democratic Party of the U.S.A. That blanket becomes stifling, too hot, as it were. We also found commonalities in the air patterns in the days immediately preceding the election. There was an inordinate amount of hot air blowing about, usually approaching from the left. This did not benefit the Liberals or the Democrats, despite the fact that it appeared that they were behind the increase in hot air. It was, in fact, counterproductive for them, and may have, in fact, cost them the elections.
Kate:
Dr. Zark’s theory is now undergoing peer review by the Association of Concerned Progressive Scientists, who are expected to come up with a reply as soon as George Soreribs tells them what it is.
Matt:
In other news, Monica Lewinsky has decided to take on Hillary Clinton once again. The vixen whose misbehaviour sparked impeachment proceedings against Hillary's husband, then-President Slick Willie Clinton, has declared her intentions to run for the United States Senate from New York against Mrs. Clinton, who is seeking re-election. "I was better for Bill than she was," Ms. Lewinsky said in her announcement. "I'm bound to be a lot better for New York than she has been. Let's face it, I've got it and she doesn't. I'm the best woman for the job."
Kate:
And a new church is forming in reaction to Pope Benedict’s strong stance on abortion and gay marriage. Correspondent Michael Newdow reports…
Michael:
A schism is brewing within the Roman Catholic Church, one that threatens to remove a sizable number of its members. Pope Benedict is considering a universal standard for denying the sacrament of the Eucharist (Communion, to you non-Catholics in the audience) to politicians whose actions stand in opposition to church teachings. Should that come to pass, such prominent folks as U.S. Sens. Teddy Kennedy and John Kerry and former Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin Jr. would find themselves receiving only a blessing and not a communion wafer at Mass. So they, along with many other politicians in North America and Europe, are banding together to form the Politicians' Catholic Church. The new Politicians' Catholic Church promises to be less judgmental than its Roman counterpart. Very Irrev. Jacques Strappe, a French priest, is expected to become the church’s first pope.
Jacques:
We don't believe in standards. If you say you're a Catholic, you're a Catholic. We will not judge you. You don't even have to go to Confession if you don't want to.
Michael:
There were some concerns about staffing the many parishes that are expected to form once the new PCC gets under way. But many clerics who are being defrocked from the Roman church for their parts in the massive North American sex scandal are expected to be recruited, we were told.
Jacques:
We all have our weaknesses. We must not let that stand in the way of our mission of making all of our politicians and their politically-correct followers feel good about themselves.
Michael:
God could not be reached for comment. This is not surprising, because, as you know, I believe God is dead. Michael Newdow reporting.
Announcer:
Channel 299 News will continue.
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Jay Bennish:
Welcome to the Jay Bennish School of Modern Geography. I'm your founder, Jay Bennish. As you know, I recently ran into trouble at my former place of employment because of my modernized views of the subject of geography. Thanks to a grant from Moron.org and George Psoriasis, I now have been able to open my own school of geography education, one in which the constraints of reality are no longer binding, where students can learn about the "real" world in "real" time, both online and in our modern facility in a bomb shelter just outside Telluride, Colorado. Here is a sample of the learning you will receive at the Jay Bennish School of Modern Geography: This is a map of Nazi Germany [points to map of U.S.]. It is an evil empire whose goals include world domination, extermination of those who disagree with it, environmental degradation, racial segregation, military madness, sexism of the highest order, and so much more. This is a map of Fredonia [points to map of Cuba], land of the brave and free, where there is never a need for dissent because everything is just perfect for everyone. There is no poverty, no illness, no evil desire to dominate others through rank regulations, et cetera. For more information on the Jay Bennish School of Modern Geography, please call 1-666-NUTBALL or e-mail imawhackjob@nothere.zz. That’s the Jay Bennish School of Modern Geography. Thank you.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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Promo announcer:
Tomorrow on Same-Sex Divorce Court.
Court crier:
Mr. Smyth-Jones has filed for divorce from his spouse, Mr. Jones-Smyth.
Mr. Smyth-Jones:
Damn right I have. That queer has been putting his mouth on every Dick, Dick and Dick in town.
Mr. Jones-Smyth:
The queen speaks. He gives the phrase 'layabout' a whole new meaning.
The judge:
I take it that adultery is the primary grounds for this proceeding.
Mr. Smyth-Jones:
Yes, your honor.
The judge:
And you have counter-sued on the same grounds, Mr. Jones-Smyth?
Mr. Jones-Smyth:
Yes, your honor.
Promo announcer:
It only gets better. Tune in tomorrow at noon for Same-Sex Divorce Court, Canada’s latest great export, on Channel 299 and CNN, the Crazies News Network.
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Announcer:
We now return to the Channel 299 News Early Edition. Channel 299 News, your last chance for news on your TV dial. Here’s Kate Perky.
Kate:
In lifestyle news tonight, correspondents CUG and Aizlynne team up to report on a growing trend in our society.
CUG:
We’re seeing more and more anti-anti-war protest rallies lately, Aizlynne.
Aizlynne:
That’s right, CUG. You’ve got to be prepared if you’re going to a counter-protest. And we’ve come up with a list of ten things you should take to an anti-anti-war protest.
CUG:
Number One is nearly naked ladies.
Aizlynne:
Dirty hippies are attracted to nearly naked ladies, although most nearly naked ladies are repulsed by dirty hippies. The nearly naked ladies will draw their attention. When the dirty hippies come over and attempt to hit on the nearly naked ladies, you will be thoroughly justified in stomping the daylights out of the dirty hippies.
Number Two is deodorant.
CUG:
Most dirty hippies are not just dirty, but dirty and smelly. If you offer a dirty, smelly hippie some deodorant, he/she will become extremely violent. Again, you will be thoroughly justified in stomping the daylights out of the dirty hippies.
Number Three? Air freshener.
Aizlynne:
When the smell of dirty hippies becomes unbearable.
Number Four is water pistols.
CUG:
You may have to give the dirty, smelly hippies an impromptu shower.
Number Five… signs.
Aizlynne:
These are very useful in executing the stomping of dirty hippies as described in items 1 and 2. They can also offer a variety of pointed commentaries on the day's proceedings. If you are feeling especially generous, you can even give some signs to the dirty hippies. The most popular one is the middle finger extended, but others in demand by the dirty hippies include "Americans for Osama" and "Cindy wants a date with Saddam."
Number Six… Jane Fonda movies.
CUG:
If it's cold, these can be very useful in starting a bonfire to keep warm. This, of course, is true only for videotapes. DVDs make useful undersized frisbees to offer you some exercise on the protest lines. After you're done, you can smash the DVDs while stomping the dirty hippies.
Number seven… newspapers.
Aizlynne:
The Sunday New York Times is ideal (or the Saturday Toronto Star if you're north of the border). A lot of paper to help the bonfire and prevent their leftist rubbish from being read by a susceptible dirty hippie (those dirty hippies who can actually read, that is).
Number eight… earplugs.
CUG:
You may need them to avoid suffering damage from overly loud, screeching dirty hippies, especially if you have been provoked into stomping them.
Number nine… hamburgers and hot dogs.
Aizlynne:
At a protest? you ask. Yes, indeed. Many dirty, smelly hippies are also militant vegetarians. When they see you enjoying a hamburger or a hot dog, they will become extremely aggressive, at which point you are thoroughly justified in stomping the daylights out of them.
And number 10... Subway tokens.
CUG: After you have stomped the dirty hippies, they will need a way home. Since many of them don't drive, you can show the true generosity of the anti-anti-war movement and let them save their money for the important things, like Cindy Sheehan statues and the like.
Aizlynne:
There you have it, friends... your guide to the necessities of a successful anti-anti-war protest. I’m Aizlynne…
CUG:
And I’m CUG. Back to you.
Matt:
In movie news tonight, protests are taking place all over the uncivilized world over the new movie, “The Passion of Mohammed.” Thousands of protesters marched through the streets of Tehran, Damascus, Mecca and Paris demonstrating against the film. Christiana Amarealrich reports from Damascus.
Christiana:
“Death to the US. Death to the infidels who lie about Mohammed.” Those are the chants here on the streets as angry Muslims denounce “The Passion of Mohammed.”
Wahhabi Al-Jihad:
All those involved in this, a fatwa upon them. No man may blaspheme the prophet.
Christiana:
Several protesters told me they planned to move to Mexico and begin the fatwa shortly. Christiana Amarealrich, Damascus.
Kate:
Now, with a review of the movie “The Passion of Mohammed,” here’s our movie reviewers, Alec Baldwin and Pat Robertson.
Alec:
Boy, am I glad I’m not in this one.
Pat:
I, for one, wish I could have seen your talents displayed in this work from Salmon Fishrie, you no-talent fornicator. This is a must-see movie. Salmon Fishrie is definitely swimming upstream in this historical work.
Alec:
Yeah, but George W. Bush is an idiot.
Pat:
Stick to the movie, Alec. That explains why you are a no-talent fornicator. Anyway, I talked with Salmon Fishrie, who is now in hiding thanks to the fatwa that was placed upon him by the Islamofascists.
Salmon:
This is a historical work. This is not a watered-down version of the truth designed to cater to people’s sensitivities. Mohammed was a real man. In order to portray him in all his many facets, we had to make it a very graphic film, much as Mel Gibson did in his “Passion of the Christ.”
Pat:
But as I understand it, Salmon, you were not able to convince the rating board to give your film an R. They tagged your film X-rated.
Salmon:
That’s right, Pat. But the sex scenes, and, yes, there are sex scenes -- frankly, Mohammed was quite the stud, according to historical accounts -- are no steamier than anything you would see on Desperate Housewives. The dhimmi cabal in Hollywood, of which your colleague Mr. Baldwin is a charter member, rose up and threatened a strike if the rating board gave “The Passion of Mohammed” an R rating.
Pat:
That would have been no loss, just like Mr. Chavez in Venezuela.
Alec:
I resemble that remark.
Pat:
Is that why you used unknowns for the leading roles in your film?
Salmon:
Yes. I didn’t want people seeing the film to focus on the actors, but on the story. It is a compelling story, indeed.
Pat:
I understand that the film is doing very well.
Salmon:
Yes, it has exceeded my expectations. In fact, it is now in profit after only three weeks of release. Most films take months, if not years, to be profitable.
Alec:
None of mine have ever made money, you, you, you [expletive beeped out]…
Pat:
Jealous, are we, now, Alec? Anyway, Salmon Fishrie, thank you, God bless you and good luck.
Salmon:
Thank you, Pat. Actually, I’m hoping to cast Alec in my next film.
Alec:
I’ll take it. I’ll take it.
Salmon:
Good. You’ll play the lead role in “The Execution of the Fatwa on Salmon Fishrie.”
Alec:
Uh, uh, well, er, um…
Kate:
Thank you, gentlemen and Alec, for that report.
Matt:
I wonder how well that will go over in Hollywood. Anyway, it’s time for sports with Chris Burpman…
Chris:
(burp) Southern California running back Reggie Bush (burp) won the voting for the Heisman Trophy, emblematic of the top (burp) player in U.S. college football. (burp) Immediately, How-weird Dean, (burp) chairman of the Democratic National Committee, (burp) challenged the balloting. (burp) Dean claimed the vote was rigged.Bush received overwhelming support (burp) from all areas of the country (burp) in the balloting by sportswriters, college football officials and previous (burp) Heisman winners, (burp) including Southern Cal teammate (burp) Matt Leinart, who won the award last year. (burp) Here’s what Dean had to say…How-weird:
The whole thing is a setup. Isn't it funny that since Bush got to Southern Cal, they've won two national championships. And the name Bush certainly is connected with lots of hanky-panky, including the theft of two elections. The vote HAD to be rigged.
Chris:
(burp) And in the scores tonight, 95-64, 2-1, and a partial score, 8. (burp) More on Michael George’s Sports Machine after the news. (burp)
Kate:
Thanks, Chris. Weather and Harv Pauley commentary are next as Channel 299 News Early Edition at Midnight continues.
---------
Spot announcer:
Tonight on Late and Earley with George Earley, another serious problem with illegal aliens.
George:
Yes, our guest tonight is Dr. Phil Good, who says he has evidence that aliens have taken over the bodies of a number of important U.S. politicians. You’ve got to hear what he has to say.
Spot announcer:
That’s Late and Earley with George Earley, following the Sports Machine on Channel 299.
---------
Matt:
Channel 299 News Early Edition now brings you the weather, with Heather Tusch.
Heather:
Matt, tonight it’s going to be dark, with widely scattered light by early morning and light generally taking over by midday. Darkness will return, though, later on in the day. Temperatures will be colder overnight, then warm up again during the day and cool down again at night.
Matt:
That was last night’s forecast, wasn’t it, Heather?
Heather:
I haven’t been wrong yet, have I, plastic hair?
Matt:
No, you haven’t.
Kate:
Now, now, children. It’s time for an adult to talk. Here’s Harv Pauley‘s commentary.
Harv Pauley:
It now appears that the London blasts were the work of murder-suicide bombers.
The Islamokillers don't seem to run out of these types, do they?
It boggles the mind, especially when you realize that these guys are told beforehand that they're going to hell, yet they still strap on the explosives and blow themselves and others to smithereens.
Why do I say they're told they're going to hell?Well, Osama Bin Laden, al-Zarqawi and their ilk are promising these souls 72 virgins, courtesy of Allah, when they arrive at their final destination. Why 72? Who knows? Maybe there's some significance in 72 that I'm missing.
But these folks are buying into it.
There's only one small problem.
The murder-suicide bombers are not going to be in a position to do a thing with any of the 72.
You see, they're dead.
And dead men don't have sex.
When you die, you are no longer a corporal being. You become a spirit. Spirits don't have sex. So having 72 virgins at your disposal and no means to satisfy your primal urges is hell, isn't it?
There is, of course, the possibility that you could undergo reincarnation... but I believe that only applies to Shirley MacLaine, who in her next life will return as a moonbat. (Oh, you say she's one now? Never mind.)
Also, the way Osama, al-Zarqawi, etc. present Allah don't exactly put Allah in the most positive of lights. They make him out to be some sort of sexual procurement agent (translation: pimp).
I would tend to think that Allah should not be quite so sexist. After all, there are female murder-suicide bombers, too.
And what good would 72 virgins do them?
Harv Pauley. G’day.
Kate:
That’s our Channel 299 News Early Edition at Midnight. For Matt Laidback, Chris Burpman, Heather Tusch, and the rest of the Channel 299 News Team, thanks for making this the last news stop on your TV dial. Michael George’s Sports Machine is next.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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MICHAEL GEORGE’S SPORTS MACHINE
Michael:
I’m Michael George. Welcome to Michael George’s Sports Machine. Tonight, the Sports Machine will play tennis with Venus Williams, soccer with David Beckham, golf with Tiger Woods, baseball with Roger Clemens and basketball with Kobe Bryant. But first, we take to the ice. The Sports Machine vs. Jaromir Jagr. From Madison Square Garden in New York, we join Mike Emrick and John Davidson…
Mike:
Hello, Sports Machine viewers. Welcome to the Garden where we have an interesting matchup tonight.
John:
Jaromir Jagr has been on fire all season long. He was clearly the NHL’s most valuable player. The Sports Machine, on the other hand, has struggled against top shooters all season long. Its lack of mobility will probably hurt it again tonight.
Mike:
Here we go. Jagr wins the faceoff, moves into the left circle shoots and SCORES!
John:
The Sports Machine had no chance on that one, Doc.
Mike:
So it’s 1-0 Jagr. Jagr again wins the draw, fires and The Sports Machine makes the save, but it appears the Sports Machine is out.
John:
He took that rocket right in the DVD inserter. It doesn’t look good for the Sports Machine continuing here, Doc.
Mike:
With that, we’ll send it back for a break.
John:
And send the Sports Machine out for a fix.
Michael:
Well, it does appear that the Sports Machine will be out of commission for a while. Just in time for me to go on vacation. Chris Burpman will fill in on the Sports Machine. Of course, with Chris, it’s the Bad Nickname Machine. I’m Michael George. Good night, good sports.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
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LATE AND EARLEY
Announcer 999:
Good morning, America, and all the ships at sea. Welcome to Channel 299 Late and Earley. Here’s your host, George Earley.
George:
Thank you, Pawn Dardo. Good morning, insomniacs. I’m George Earley here with another edition of Late and Earley. We’ve got a lot to uncover here in the wee small hours, as we always do. Later on, we’ll be talking with a pair of scientists from Chappaquiddick State University who have published a report on the brain functions of conservatives. But first, after a word from our sponsor, we’ll have an expert who claims that a number of leading American politicians have, in fact, been taken over by aliens. When we return…
Announcer 999:
Tired of sleeping? Want to stay awake? Stay tuned to Late and Earley…
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
---------
Pitchman:
You want to be a disruptive force. It's in your blood. You love the attention it brings you. So you need a t-shirt that will get you ejected from the State of the Union address. We've got a bunch of 'em for you at the House of T-Shirts, with stores all around the nation. We’ve got the "United States of Halliburton" t-shirt. The vice-president takes his abuse in this creation from the house of Kos. And there’s the Saint Osama t-shirt. This depicts the noted al-Qaeda bankroller with a halo. Of course, this is wishful thinking, because they don't offer halos where Osama's going, nor will they have 72 virgins at his disposal. At the House of T-shirts, we have the "Impeach Sam Alito" t-shirt. This is a hot-off-the-presses, brand-new model, sponsored by NARAL and the Anti-Christian Lunatics Union. Endorsed by Goria Sternum. And there’s the "Ban Bush, Not Books" t-shirt. Sponsored by Librarians against the Patriot Act. At the House of T-Shirts, we have even more for you. But our hottest sellers lately have been these: The "Koran Flushers Association" t-shirt. A popular item among the anti-dhimmitude crowd, this shows not only the Koran being flushed down a giant toilet, but Osama, the nutcase in Iran, and several other Islamofascist leaders being flushed down with the Koran. And we’ve got in stock the naked Hillary Clinton t-shirt, with the motto "Hillary Rocks My Socks." This may not bring immediate ejection, since the law enforcement types who will be charged with removing you from the gallery will be nauseated and need some time to recover. And, if they don't recover quickly enough, the Moveon.org crowd will assault you intensely. The side benefit of this is that getting a few Moveon morons arrested for felonious assault is always a good thing. The House of T-Shirts. Get yours today.
---------
Announcer 999:
And now, more Late and Earley on Channel 299. Here’s George…
George:
Thank you, Pawn. With me here this morning is Dr. Phil Good, the chairman of the Intergalactic Studies Department at Dreamweaver University in Pahrump, Nevada. Dr. Good maintains that a number of prominent United States political figures have, in fact, been taken over by aliens.
Dr. Good:
Yes, George, that’s true. The signs are unmistakable.
George:
What are those signs, Dr. Good?
Dr. Good:
George, there are signs of severe memory absence. They are incapable of recalling what they said on the record only a few days before. This is not a common occurrence by any means among human beings. However, it is quite possible that they may not remember because they, as it were, have been taken over by the alien creatures. The aliens, therefore, have no memory of those prior statements.
George:
Who appears to be affected by this phenomenon?
Dr. Good:
Democrats, mostly. Al Gore was the first to exhibit signs of alien inhabitation. Howard Dean followed shortly thereafter. Now, it seems that most of them have been inhabited by creatures from another planet. Some Republicans, however, have also demonstrated some signs of alien inhabitation, such as John McCain and Arlen Specter.
George:
Have you been able to get a feeling for any Democrats who have not been taken over?
Dr. Good:
Our researchers at Dreamweaver State believe that Hillary Clinton is unaffected at this point in time. However, some of them also believe that she herself is an alien. She has demonstrated on many occasions behaviors consistent with the inhabitants of the planet Marxisto.
George:
Thank you, Dr. Good. When we return, we’ll have a panel of experts discussing Dr. Good’s research.
---------
Announcer 999:
Tired of sleeping? Want to stay awake? Stay tuned to Late and Earley…
Announcer 461:
Want to learn a new language?
Woman:
Yes I do. I’m Belinda Stronach, future prime minister of Canada. But I have to learn French first.
Announcer 461:
Then you need this, the official English to French Phraseator.
Woman:
Will I be able to learn French?
Announcer 461:
Certainment, mon cherie. You’ll master phrases designed to make you fit right in with the Francophones.
Woman:
Are those like telephones?
Announcer 461:
No, ma’am. Here’s just a sample.
Woman (in bad French):
I am pleased to serve the wonderful people of Quebec.
Announcer 462:
Your mothers service the winners of the Kentucky Derby.
Woman (in bad French):
The steel of your resolve is to be commended.
Announcer 462:
We will steal everything you don't have nailed down.
Woman (in bad French):
Your government will do all that it can to fix whatever problems there have been.
Announcer 462:
Forget about it, the fix is in, and you can all go suck eggs.
Woman (in bad French):
Our dogged determination will ensure a brighter future.
Announcer 462:
Triumph the Comic Insult Dog was right about you hosers.
Woman (in bad French):
It is because of our love for our land that we want to serve.
Announcer 462:
You now may go and make love to farm animals, because God knows you shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.
Announcer 461:
See, she has mastered French already. To get your English to French Phraseator, call now. 1-800-NOPARLEZ. That’s 1-800-NOPARLEZ. Operators are standing by.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.
---------
Announcer 999:
And now, more Late and Earley on Channel 299. Here’s George…
George:
Back at Late and Earley with our panel of experts who are here to discuss Dr. Phil Good’s theory that many prominent U.S. politicians have been taken over by aliens. First, there’s Martin, who appeared on the U.S. documentary My Favorite Martian.
Martin:
Good morning, George.
George:
Next is Beldar, who offered frequent reports on Saturday Night.
Beldar:
Greetings, earth person.
George:
Finally, we have with us Dr. Dick, who appeared on the documentary 3rd Rock From the Sun.
Dick:
Well, hi, George.
George:
Dr. Good feels that a number of prominent U.S. politicians, mostly Democrats, have been taken over by aliens from the planet Marxisto. Is he barking at the wrong moon here?
Martin:
I think not, actually. The inhabitants of Marxisto began as a rather witty lot. The Marxisto Brothers were famous throughout the galaxies for their madcap wit. Later, though, a Marxisto named Karl engineered a revolution and took not only the humor from Marxisto, but added a rather nasty strain of bossism. I see signs of this strain in your Democratic politicians. They appear to want everybody to do what they say while going off on their own little soirees which are forbidden to the multitudes.
Beldar:
Yes, earth person, I agree with Martin. I, in fact, ran into the alien who now calls herself Hillary a few centuries ago on Gabalot, where I was serving as the ambassador from my planet. She was a rotten sort even then, bossing everyone about, wanting to run everything. The Gabalots finally banned her as an undesirable creature.
George:
So, do you think this is Hillary calling in her troops?
Dick:
Sure seems that way, George. I’d bet a trip to Venus on it, in fact. And the Democrats are especially vulnerable to Marxisto takeovers. Big ambition, little ideas, less ability… the perfect combination for Marxisto inhabitation.
Martin:
Historically, that has been the trend. The Gabalots acted just in time. May you of earth do the same.
George:
Let’s hope. Thank you, gentlemen. Well, we’ve run out of time for this morning. Tomorrow, I promise we’ll have the scholars from Chappaquiddick State to discuss conservatives’ brain patterns and much more. I’m George Earley. Don’t you be late.
Less smarmy announcer:
This is Channel 299, where there’s always something on.